M.I.A - Missing in Action

It’s been a whole two weeks since I last posted, but don’t worry; I haven’t run out of steam yet.

Whilst I haven’t been publishing any blog posts, behind the scenes, the momentum has been building. I’ve been reaching out in various directions and pulling together ideas, as a result, there is a backlog of stuff waiting to come your way. The gold seams are rich, just waiting to be mined.  

So, what have I been up to, I hear you ask.

A big part of why I haven’t been writing is that I’ve been trying to catch up with all those chores I ignore, and pray will disappear. It turns out that they don’t just vanish, more to the pity. In general I’ve been trying to get my house in order whilst also getting myself back into my degree work and looking for paid work over the summer. 

On top of this, my wife has been going through a period of increased sickness. This effects the time I have to write, but more so, it takes a toll on my energy levels. A few times I’ve found myself staring at a blank screen, but not having the energy or focus to produce anything worth reading.  

I’m still recovering after a long bout of sickness and exhaustion. Realistically, until I’m back on my feet, and back to full health, there are going to be times when I can’t do all the things I want. Everybody needs time to build themselves back up. It’s not ideal but, begrudgingly, we’re only human. Superman only exists in the movies and comic books.

Over the next week expect services to be resumed as normal. This means that Fighting Talk will be back tomorrow. Also, look out for that exciting news I mentioned in my last post. I’m confident that I’ll be able to announce it early next week. Believe me, you don’t want to miss it.

Fighting Talk: Crazy

"The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are usually the ones who do" 

Walter Issacson about Steve Jobs 

You'll probably never be short of people queuing up to tell you that you can't change the world. But all it takes is one dream, idea or opportunity; and a persons crazy enough to pursue it, to change the face of the world forever. 

Making Diamonds

As I promised when I first started this blog, I want to write about my process. There is no value in talking about my aims, and my end point, without talking about how I got there. Last week I wrote about the dangers of comparing yourself to other people. Rather predictably, within a week, I've fallen into the same old trap.

Before I divulge all, let me tell you a little bit about myself. 

For the last three years I have been a carer for my wife who has a chronic illness. She relies on me everyday, all day, for even the most basic of daily tasks. It's a full time, unpaid and draining job. Obviously, this has a massive impact on our lives.

It can be incredibly frustrating to have your life dictated by something which is wholly out of our control. We can work as hard, or be as prepared, as possible but have the carpet ripped out from underneath us at any point.

I often look, as i have done this week, at other people my age and find myself being jealous. I'm jealous that they don't have the same restrictions or responsibilities as I do. It's easy to look upon someone else's life and assume that they have it 'better' than you.

At times I can even become quite desperate. Begging God to take the sickness away from our lives, and being angry when things just get worse.

No good ever comes from making these comparisons. By doing so, I'm ignoring the great parts of my life, and painting an idealised picture of others'. I love my wife. she is so worth everything we go through together. Frankly, by being bitter and wishing my life situation away, I'm missing an opportunity. The struggles I face, build who I am. They change how I think.

Life may be hard for me now, but later I will look back and be thankful.  Like a diamond, all the pressure and heat put on me now will make me stronger.

Vision on our Wedding Day

Until then I will continue to remind myself to focus of the truly remarkable parts of my life, my relationship with my wife included.  To recognise that people would kill to get what I have, and realise that even my hardships would, one day. give me diamonds.

I'll have what they're having

If there's one mistake that I have made over, and over, again, it's to persistently compare myself to other people. It's a poisonous habit. Comparing yourself to another person is like judging a book by its cover. You can only see what's on the outside. The real detail of the ink stained pages that make up someones life are hidden from your view.

There's nothing wrong with being inspired by other people, or wanting to emulate a quality, but you have to remember that everyone is unique. Other people are different, not better and we can rarely truly judge what another person's life is like.

I often find myself taking the best attributes of all the people around me and comparing them to myself, wondering why I don't share every single one. Obviously, this is a ridiculous standard to strive for.

I am going to stop repeating this habit, before it causes me any more harm. To do this I am going to force myself to think about what I do have, instead of what someone else has. Whenever I find myself comparing myself to another person, I will stop and list five things which I have. These could be talents, objects, people, or whatever else I value.

My list
1. I have a beautiful wife.
2. I am intelligent and have ideas.
3. I have friends and family willing to support me in times of hardship.
4. I have faith in an amazing God.
5. I am audacious in all aspects of my life.

That list was surprisingly difficult for me to make, not because I have too many great things to add to it, which in reality, I do. It was difficult because my mind isn't used to thinking in such terms. I'm not used to thinking about what I do have, I'm used to searching for what I don't have.

If you can relate to my experiences, then I recommend you to try to follow the same method as I am, I'd love to see your list. Let me know if you have any thoughts on my idea.

Writing your own list in the comments section of this post might be a useful exercise to get you started. It was for me. It's easier to recall something than it is to create something.

Your moments of brilliance

"We all have our moments of brilliance and glory and this was mine." Roald Dahl

Roald Dahl writes this when recalling a childhood incident in his book, Boy: Tales of Childhood. He is absolutely right, of course. Everybody has moments when their genius shines through. You probably won't believe me (or Dahl). Maybe you think that it's true of other people, and not you. I've certainly found it hard to believe in the past, however, I'm teaching myself to recognise my qualities.

One of my favourite moments of brilliance was on a rugby pitch. I was never a great player, but I had my moments. This moment was in a practice game, on a water logged pitch in front of a handful of spectators. I found myself in a bit of space with four men in front of me. Without thinking (I assure you that had I been thinking I wouldn't have attempted such an audacious move) and with my left hand I threw the ball behind my back, to the right. I was then promptly pummelled by a wall of defenders.

A illustration for Roald Dahl by Quentin Blake

When I raised my head to survey the damage, I was amazed to see that my miracle pass had found a team mate's hands. It seemed that everybody else was as shocked as me since that player ran a fair distance before  being tackled. One of my coaches stood there in a stunned silence, the other was frantically shouting my name. They were obviously as surprised as I was.

I went on to tell all that would listen, and added to my story how intentional the move had been. I knew what I was doing all along.

I attempted to repeat the move on many occasions.  Never once was it successful again. In fact, it was always disastrous. I could always hold on, however, to the memory of the one time it went right.

This is an example of a moment of glory which I would include in my Achievements Book. It's a small, silly and insignificant event, however, these are the moments which I want to learn to savour. If I don't learn how to recognise the small times of brilliance and achievement, I will never be able to replicate it to do something truly great. I know that many of you reading will have similar memories you can call back on. Or indeed, will live many moments of greater brilliance.

I want to hear about your moments of brilliance. Please use the comments box below to tell us all about those small moments when you've been absolutely amazing. 

Recognising Achievements

Recognising your own achievements is an important step in achieving a healthy state of mind and recognising the direction your life is going. In the past, I have been guilty of forgetting what I've achieved. This has had a serious impact on my mental health. This is why achievements are the first topic of conversation for this blog.   If I fail to recognise what I achieve on a daily basis, I will never be able to sustain a life where I am both happy and consistently growing.

What constitutes an achievement though? Maybe it's getting a raise in work, finishing a qualification, or running that marathon. All of these things are great and should be celebrated, but what about the small achievements? Learning to cook a new dish, or making a small lifestyle change for the better, do you celebrate these smaller achievements? I certainly didn't used to. I would only consider the big things an achievement. The problem is that the big things don't come around very often. I was left in a place where I only considered myself to have achieved something once, maybe twice, a year.

You need to recognise the small achievements, in the same way as you need to learn to appreciate small pleasures that make you happy. It's not always easy to do. I had to literally force myself to do it, until it became more natural.  

The next step was to make sure I didn't forget about my achievements. Once I was asked what I had achieved in the last 3 months. I sat there, thought about it, and came up with nothing. It wasn't because I hadn't achieved anything in that time, far from it in fact. I simply couldn't remember what I'd done. The same problem manifests when I am struggling with mental health issues. When that nasty voice in my mind told me that I was useless, I agreed with it because I wasn't able to call on examples where I had achieved something.

Thankfully, I found a way to help me value my small achievements and remember them indefinitely. I started to write an achievements book. This book is now full things, from university grades to remembering to put the rubbish out on the right day, and it is always being added to. A lot of the achievements in it might sound ridiculous to somebody else but they were achievements for me at that time of my life. That is what's important.

I'd encourage you to make a book for yourself, they are a fantastic tool to refer back to whenever you feel like you need reminding of how great you are. They are also a good exercise in forcing yourself to appreciate the small, daily, achievements that you have.